IS IT OK TO GRIEVE?
- carerscoffeepot
- Feb 3, 2014
- 3 min read
Looking at grief within our care work setting. Is it ok to grieve?
A look at my first experience and how I coped .....
It was just gone 7.00am, spring in my step,sun shining,a beautiful start to the day. I'm about to set off for my first visit of the day. The mobile rings. I'm told to cancel the visit..... the service user has died.No other information was given. No details. No sincereity.
From the progammers view at that point, it was a case of 'cross off the timesheet for the rest of the week.'Sounds cold for a caring profession eh? I agree, however they have a job to do and visits to cover at very short notice or to cancel.
Of course I had to carry on with the rest of my morning visits.Being cheerful and positive for others while I helped them get ready for the day. I had to keep this sad news to myself and get used to the idea very quickly of not seeing this person again.I had been in most days for the past nine months and I had been in the previous day. A normal visit, nothing out of the ordinary and oh how quickly it all changed.
Even though death was expected at some point, it still threw me.
So, how was I going to deal with this? First off, I wasn't going to cross them off my timesheet until the end of the week! My little way of recognising them as a person and not just a name on a list.
Secondly, I would attend the funeral.
Thirdly, I'm gonna have a good cry.
The only support I got from colleagues was at a meeting in the afternoon. It went along the lines of..Who was the last to see them- me...how did they look-fine...Are you ok-yes...Moving on, about elastic stockings...! That was it! Definately on my own with this one.
So, I'm here to put the record straight.Yes I cried. Yes I thought about this person and their young family. Yes I went to the funeral.
I allowed myself to grieve, albeit in my own time.It was ok, behind close doors no one was going to judge me or tell me I'm not tough enough.I questioned my own mortality, I wondered if I had done enough in the visits, I hoped the family didn't think I was being rude by not sending a condolence card (I was told it was not the thing to do and not part of the job- too personal).
I did want to talk about it to someone at work but it wasn't going to happen.This was my first experience of a death in my job. Sadly, one of many over the years. I learned how to cope with it and kept it on a private and personal level. For each person, I had always gone home and lit a candle. I would admit to myself any sadness I felt and if I needed to cry I would.
“It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ”― Colette
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